This Then Is Perfect Faith
by DeansBabyBird
Summary: An exploration of Dean's Faith. Thank you to ibelieve24 for the loan of the quote and to K.K & K...is it prophetic enough?


**I read the short version of this quote in a story written by Ibelieve24 and was blown away by it. I did the research to find it's origin and was struck by how well it depicted my idea of Dean's faith. This is the first go I had at using it but a longer story involving it is to follow sometime. I hope I manage to do it justice. Thanks for reading.**

"Le cœur a ses raisons, que la raison ne connaît point. On le sent en mille choses. C'est le cœur qui sent Dieu, et non la raison. Voilà ce que c'est que la foi parfaite, Dieu sensible au cœur."

"The heart has its reasons, which Reason does not know. We feel it in a thousand things. It is the heart which feels God, and not Reason. This, then, is perfect faith: God felt in the heart. "

Source: Blaise Pascal. Pensées (1669); Section IV On the Means of the Belief (277).

**This, then, is perfect faith.**

The room was warm enough and now that the terrifyingly familiar 'critical' phase was passed and the alarms from the monitors and respirator and god-knows-what-else had ceased their too-frequent cacophony, it was actually quite peaceful. The nurse had turned out the harsh overhead neons in favour of a small bedside lamp and had even found Dean a slightly more suitable chair so he could continue his vigil in some semblance of comfort because she knew he categorically would not leave his brother. Knew there was nothing on earth that would compel him to go rest his own wounds, eat, sleep; not till Sam had woken and Dean knew absolutely that he was okay.

And so he sat, well leaned brittlely, propped by nearly as many pillows as supported Sam in the bed, fighting to keep exhaustion from claiming him for its own. He had got them to position the chair to the right of the bed so he could reach out with his good left hand if Sam stirred restlessly, 'cause let's face it at the moment his right wasn't going anywhere except the sling that immobilized it.

Dean sighed uncomfortably and shifted the inch or two that was his fragile tolerance in the cushioned cocoon, trying to ease the numbness in his butt. However all the movement did was creak his cracked ribs and so he stopped quickly, knowing from experience that anything further was going to awake a whole world of hurt and he was too tired for that again right now.

As had become his ritual he glanced back at the monitor which was fed by the various wires that sprouted from Sam's gown and was relieved to still see the steady, strong pattern that the nurse had taught him was normal and good and he smiled just a little, silently reminding his own heart to copy that good and normal rhythm.

His eyes travelled to Sam's peaceful face. The scar on his forehead was small, barely five or six sutures long, but it's aftermath had brought all of Dean's nightmares screaming in on him over the last two days.

_Was it really only two days since the spirit had thrown his brother against the wall and Dean had watched him fall bonelessly to the floor, warm crimson flowing into his tangled hair? Surely it was longer than that? It couldn't be as little as two days since the serious-faced surgeon had told him that he didn't know how bad the head injury was and to 'prepare himself'. _

Dean dragged in a ragged breath. Even thinking the words 'prepare yourself' made him dizzy with fear, even now an eternity later, when they had reassured him a dozens times that Sam's inter-cranial pressure had come right down and that they were sure he'd wake soon and he'd likely be fine in a couple of days.

He wanted to believe that, wanted it more than he had words to express but he needed Sam to open his eyes for that and damn, if his baby brother wasn't making him wait till he was good and ready.

The softest kiss of air against Dean's cheek heralded the arrival of another in the room but the hunter's only acknowledgment of the celestial being's presence was a tightening of his mouth and a wave of radiating anger that prickled from his battered body.

The angel moved to stand by the bed pausing to look down on the man sleeping within it before turning his strangely neutral face to the chair and it's damaged occupant.

"He will be fine."

Castiel's voice was measured, precise as always and and Dean felt his anger rise another notch though he remained silent.

"Did you hear me, Dean?"

Cas's head tilted to the side in the peculiar way that was so familiar but this night it held none of the endearing charm it often did.

"I heard you."

Dean's response was clipped, his annoyance evident and the angel's blue eyes narrowed betraying his incomprehension.

"You are distressed."

"Is that so?"

Cas continued his confused scrutiny taking in the elder hunter's injuries.

"Yes, it is evident that you are anxious and it is understandable."

"Really, Cas? And why would that be?"

Dean's voice dripped with unpleasant sarcasm and the angel's mouth tightened.

"The situation with Sam has been difficult for you..."

'Difficult?"

The word was a soft snarl.

"But as I have confirmed, Sam is out of danger. Are you not pleased that is the case?"

The angel looked to the bed as he spoke, drawing Dean's eyes to his brother and despite himself Dean's face softened.

"Yes, Cas, I am pleased by that."

The angel smiled slightly, but it was held in check by his lingering confusion at his friend's obvious anger toward him.

"Maybe your own pain is the cause of your distress?"

He moved nearer to the seated man, closing his eyes as he catalogued the hunter's injuries.

"You have three cracked ribs, your shoulder has been recently relocated but your upper arm is badly fractured. You are in significant pain yet I detect no pain reducing narcotics in your system. You have refused pain medication?"

He paused opening his eyes and Dean nodded tiredly.

"Why would you do that?"

Dean huffed out a breath. _Yeah, stupid! Why would you? _He shrugged his shoulder (the good one) too tired and sore to get into the debate. The angel's brow furrowed.

"If I call the medical staff will you take take them now?"

Dean shook his head slowly.

"Nope."

Cas sighed.

"You are difficult to help, Dean Winchester."

"Am I?"

The hunter's anger flared again and he leaned up from the pillows behind him but the movement teasingly worked shattered bone end on bone end in his ruined arm and before he could say more his voice was captured by gasps of pain. He felt Cas's hands immediately then, warm against him, easing him back gently against the pillow and holding him till the room stopped spinning.

"Are you nauseous?"

Dean huffed, nodding, feeling water brash in his mouth. The angel grabbed one of the grey cardboard dishes from Sam's bedside and crouched by Dean's side holding the bowl and steadying him as he swayed as moments passed.

"You okay?"

Dean nodded, the nausea subsiding and Cas dropped the bowl on his lap and stood back up.

"You know, Dean, you are sleep deprived and hungry too. That may well be the cause of your nausea."

He reached into the pocket of his trench coat.

"Here."

The angel placed a bar of Dove dark chocolate on the blanket that covered Dean's legs.

"This has a high calorific value and will help your depleted blood sugar levels. It will help you feel less dizzy."

Dean looked at the chocolate bar and was surprised that his belly rumbled appreciatively. Thinking about it, he couldn't remember when he had eaten. Probably before they got the crap kicked out of them by the spirit. Suddenly starving, he picked up the candy, pulling at the wrapper one-handed.

"Here..."

Cas took the chocolate and tore into the wrapper exposing the dark interior. He broke of a smallish piece and held it out. Dean's focus was a little off and it took two attempts for him to grab the candy and place it in his mouth but once there, it tasted good and he savored it against his tongue as Cas watched him.

'Good?"

Cas moved to the corner of the room as he spoke, bringing the chair from the window and placing it facing Dean's.

"Mmm."

Dean nodded, swallowing, as the angel took his seat.

"Want some more?"

"Yes...please."

Cas smiled slightly and tore back the wrapper further, exposing more of the candy before breaking off a larger chunk which he passed to Dean who ate quietly as the angel watched him. Dean's eyes fell to the wrapper as he ate and he could see writing on the inside of the packaging.

"What's it say?"

Dean nodded to Cas's hands and the angel turned the bar so he could read the Dove Bar quote within.

"The heart has reasons which reason does not know."

Castiel read softly, a wistful quality to his voice as he spoke the words.

"Beautiful. Don't you think?"

Dean frowned, shaking his head a little.

"Bit too deep for me, Cas, I like the funny one's better."

The angel frowned to match Dean's.

"No, you don't understand. I know these words."

"Words on a candy bar? How does an angel know that?"

Cas smiled.

"They are the words of a 15th century poet called Blaise Pascal and they are about my Father."

Dean's eyes widened.

"About God? God on a candy bar?"

Cas frowned in disapproval. and Dean smirked.

"Better than on a tortilla!"

The angel looked hurt and Dean relented.

"So what does it mean?"

'It is a testament to faith."

Cas's statement was unequivocal as if it were obvious that was the meaning but he watched as Dean's mouthed quirked into a 'huh?' sorta shape.

"They are only part of the Pascal's observations. You will understand better if I recite the longer version for you..."

Dean raised a less but still slightly hand.

"Wait, is this gonna be a family sized bar of..."

He stopped, seeing the hurt look on the angel's face.

"Okay, I'm listening."

Cas smiled and, from memory, started to speak.

"The heart has reasons which reason does not know. We feel it in a thousand things. It is the heart which feels God, and not reason. This, then, is perfect faith. God felt in the heart."

The words hung in the air of the small room and for a moment the angel was lost in them. Dean let him be allowing him his introspection, watching as the blue gaze returned to focus on his face.

"Faith!"

Dean's voice was bitter, skepticism obvious in his response, his anger of earlier returning.

"Why does that make you angry, Dean"

The angel's blue eyes bored into the hunter's paler green ones. It would have been easy to be intimidated but Dean was too worked up to see it.

'Why do you think, Castiel?"

The angel shook his head, genuinely confused and Dean tipped his chin to the bed, indicating Sam,

"I'm angry because you didn't come."

Castiel frowned.

"I prayed Cas, when they said he might die, I prayed and asked you to come help me."

Dean stopped, anger tensing his throat, making his words scratch the air between them. The angel regarded the hunter then looked to his sleeping brother.

"I heard you...when you prayed."

Dean's face fell.

"And you...you just left me here? Alone?"

Cas shook his head but didn't have chance to speak before Dean resumed.

"Sam was dying for all you knew...and you didn't come. Don't talk to me about faith."

Dean spat the word like it was distasteful and Cas winced.

"I didn't come, Dean, because my Father was already here with you."

The hunter frowned, but his words were slightly softer.

"What do you mean?"

"You prayed. Why pray if God is not in your heart?"

Castiel's absolute belief shone in his eyes as he spoke, his otherworldliness more apparent as he held Dean's gaze.

"You deny your faith Dean, yet you pray and my Father, our Father, hears you."

The angel smiled.

"Look..."

He raised his hand and Dean followed his hand to the bed.

Sam's eyes were open.

Dean moved forward on his seat, the pain of his injuries forgotten.

"Hey, Sammy!"

Dean face cracked into a smile as Sam's fuzzy gaze followed the familiar voice and focussed in on his brother.

"Hey, yourself."

His voice was a little weak but there was no doubting Sam was in there.

"My head is killing me."

Dean laughed.

"I bet it is, you tried to pound down a wall with it. You remember?"

"Umm..."

Sam nodded.

"Yeah, don't 'member much after that though."

Dean patted his brother's arm, happily.

"Never mind, kiddo. It's not important."

Sam's eyes were closing, sleepily.

"'Kay..."

"Go to sleep."

Sam yawned, nodding.

"You be here though?"

Dean nodded.

"Sure, Sam."

Dean struggled to smooth the covers with his one good hand.

"Like you were the last few days..."

Dean smiled.

"You and Cas..."

Dean looked at the angel and Castiel quirked his eyebrow.

"Cas?"

Dean questioned looking at Sam's closing eyes.

"Yeah, the pair of you, I'm sure he was standing just behind you all the time, Dean."

Dean looked thoughtfully at Castiel.

"Cas only just got here, Sam."

The younger man was hunkering down, sleep claiming him again.

"Yeah? Well someone was there with ya, Dean. I saw them."

Dean patted his brother's arm, his wide green eyes locked gratefully onto equally dark blue across the bed.

"Sleep, Sam. It's all okay. We'll be right here."

Ends


End file.
